The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying.

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.

When I left the building to go to my car, I found out that it had been stolen. The police said they could do nothing. So I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cabdriver and the cab had gone, I found that I had left my wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my glass that had the poison in"

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon racks on the kitchen table and counters were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted--the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."

One day the grocery clerk ask the woman what kind of dog she had? she replied, I don't have a dog, my husband eats this for his lunch each day and he likes it.

The clerk said, madam this is not fit for human consumption, it could make him sick, maybe even kill him. The woman purchased the dog food and left.

This continued daily for months, then she stopped coming into the store.

Several weeks later she stopped in and bought a loaf of bread, the clerk ask if she wanted any dog food, she replied, no, my husband passed away several weeks ago.

The clerk said I tried to warn you, that dog food could kill your husband.

The woman said, OH, the dog food had nothing to do with it, he was crossing the road and stopped to lick his balls , and a truck ran over him.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.

Then there was a short moment of silence. "Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."

So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.

"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.

"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood. "Yeah, I think I do!" "Well, I didn't."

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant plot. One day a a team of builders turned up to start building a house on the empty plot. 
The young family's 5 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.  She hung around and eventually the builders, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. 

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.  At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a £1 coin. 

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the £1 pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. 

When they got to the bank the cashier was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay packet at such a young age. 

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the builders building a house." 

"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" 

The little girl replied, "I will if those useless sons-a-bitches at B & Q ever bring us any plasterboard that's worth a shit!"

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then, suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavour at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued : "May I ask what the chicken did ?"

An old man nearby says, "You really shouldn't eat all that chocolate, you know. It isn't very good for you.

The big guy looks at him and says, "My grandfather lived until he was 103."

"Oh, really," sneered the older man. "Did he eat lots of chocolate bars every day?"

"No," the big guy replies, "but he minded his own damned business."

"What's the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with women. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself you're a good person, a fun person and an attractive person. Say it with conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked all right. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?" asked the doctor. "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, " Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says," Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving,"

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

The elderly gentleman returned to the doctor's in a month for a final check on the new equipment. After some tests, the doctor proclaimed, "Your hearing is perfect!" "Thank you for helping me," replied the elderly man. "You're welcome," said the doctor. "Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

"Oh, I haven't told them yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations I used to miss," replied the elderly gentleman.

"Really?" questioned the doctor. You must still be marveling at being able to hear again and just not ready to believe it yourself. That must be why you haven't told them."

"Well, no," said the older man, "that's not it exactly, but I have changed my will three times!"

At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling. "I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied. "Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."

As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly. "You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated. "I didn't have to," the elder physician explained. "You noticed that I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."

"That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?" "I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied.

At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately. "I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I used to." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?" "Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!"

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a Coke." The waitress then turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That'll be $6.40, please," she says. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a Coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later, the waitress comes with the order and says, "That'll be $12.62." Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

The Genie says to them, "For freeing me I will grant you each of you ONE wish."

So the first guy said, "I wish I was 25% smarter." So PUFF, he was 25% smarter, built a raft and got off the island.

The second guy said, "I wish I was 50% smarter." So PUFF, he was 50% smarter, built a canoe and got off the island.

The third guy said, "I wish I was 100% smarter." So PUFF, he became a woman and walked across the bridge.

He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "£10,000 per call".  The American, intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by, what the telephone was used for.  The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.  The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Manchester.  There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.  He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he had seen in London and he asked a nearby nun what it's purpose was.  She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you", said the American.

He then travelled to Nottingham, Coventry and Bath and in every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "£10,000 per call" sign under it.

With his first chapter going well, he left England and travelled to Wales, and, again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10p per call."  The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign :  "Father, I've travelled all over England, and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in all the cities in England the price per call was £10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here ?"  The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Wales now, son, it's a Local call".